I’v heard that 50% of people who look into adoption decide it’s not for them. This is for various reasons, some include the aspect of open adoption is scary as adoption is not anonymous anymore, also the cost of adoption can be high, also the wait to be able to adopt an available child can be from 2 years to 7 years or longer in some cases (I know one lady who waited 15 years and finally adopted an infant at the age of 46), and for some people it’s because they always wanted a child of their own flesh and blood, and they realize this after they’ve looked into adoption and thought long and hard about it. For myself, it’s because I don’t want social workers to be involved in what should have been a natural experience for my husband and I, ie-having a child. I decided I don’t want a baby that badly and am happy being childless. (although I do want to be a foster parent) Do you think I will be judged negatively because of this for the rest of my life? It seems like it to me.
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{ 33 comments… read them below or add one }
Having a child is the sole, most important decision one will ever make in their lifetime. No other decision will follow them throughout the rest of their lives, nor ask more of them during it.
There is a lot of pressure to have children, for no other reason than that is what everyone always just "did," so it has become expected. You will face plenty of people who will wonder why, and even some zealots who may call you selfish for your decision (which is ridiculous; I’m yet to hear someone tell me a reason that WASN’T "selfish" as to why they DID have kids).
However, in our new age of enlightenment, women don’t have to marry, and they don’t have to be "barefoot and pregnant." It will just take time for the "stragglers" to open their eyes and catch up. Don’t let their ignorance get to you.
Parenthood comes with many joys and rewards–but so does being childless. Enjoy your decision, and know that nothing is ever set in stone.
Best of luck!
No you’re not the anti-christ. I wouldn’t want someone else’s kid either.
huh
being a foster parent is enough. as long as you know it’s best for you, you will be okay. think of the many children’s lives you will impact, not just one, but several.
Not at all. Never let the opinions of others determine what you should do. Some people aren’t cut out to be parents. Live your life so that you are satisfied, not to satisfy others.
Of course not, and I do not beleive that 50% of people seriously consider adoption. I mean I only know a handfull of adopeted ppl.
That’s perfectly understandable.. different people might not want to adopt children for different reasons, and deciding not to doesn’t make you a bad person
Nope, I think that it is your decision, if you were not happy with the process then you could pass that unhappiness to the child and that would not be could. Plus you want to foster a child and you never know through that you might find a child that you may wish to adopt and foster children need to be cared for as well.
Why? you have a good reason why you don’t want to adopt. some people who don’t want to adopt still wouldn’t open there homes to take in foster children but you would. and i think thats good screw what every body else thinks do what is right for you.
You’re the one that would be taking care of the child and not everyone else. If after giving it some thought you decide that’s not for you then it’s your decision and everyone else needs to accept it or get a life. You need to make decisions about your life based on what you want and what is best for you, not based on what other people want or may say.
dont let it get you down, i know a couple who adopted a baby, the baby was only put up for adoption because tests showed it had muscular dystrophy, this was not told to the prospested adopters go with your own feelings
nope.
Although i’m a fan of adoption and have experienced first hand the joy adoption brings to a family, i know it’s not for everyone.
I think that not wanting the government messing around with your family is a very valid reason (not that you need one). No, you are not an anti-christ, you are a nice lady who has come to terms with you childless-ness. I wouldn’t judge you negatively, i’m sure that not to many will either.
If you are happy being childless, then stay that way… look at how much money you will save over the years… thousands,,,
many MANY thousands…. do a search on costs… and WHO would judge you?? I think you would be judged worse if you HAD a child and really didn’t want one
You have to do what is right for you and your partner. The world can comment, but only you two can live your lives. Don’t want kids, don’t want to adopt, that’s fine. Its YOUR choice.
You have obviously thought long and hard about this issue … if you feel that’s it’s not for you … don’t do it … taking on something like this when you’re not 110% committed would only disadvantage the child and cause tension between you and your husband.
I commend and respect your openess and honesty
No, I think that it is great that you are being honest with yourself about the situation. A cousin in our family adopted and her days were filled with red tape and social workers. She adopted 3 kids (all siblings) because they were abused and she loves them dearly but she almost gave up because of all the social workers. It is sad in our country that there is so much red tape to work through in order to give a child a home. If you want to be a foster parent, great. If you decide to be a big sister instead, great. But no one should judge you if you don’t want to adopt. That is a personal decision and no one really should ask – it isn’t any of their business.
Having a child is a beautiful thing but not a requirement in life.
I wouldnt judge you negatively.. unless you are one of those "PRO LIFE" people – telling others they cannot have abortions then are not willing to adopt the unwanted kids…
I personally only had 1 then had tubes tied.. the world is plenty populated as it is.. if you cannot have a kid.. well no worries.. its better to be childless and happy than to be one of the ones who comes here complaining about how hard 2 kids are….
You want to be a foster parent, but you don’t want to adopt because of the social workers? Well, me and my mom are both foster parents. There are joys and there are horrors. Mainly disappointment because you realize no one really cares for these children; half of the time their caseworkers don’t even care. Adopting would be less intrusion than being a foster parent. We have calls at 3am asking if we can take a child. Caseworkers/Social workers/Probation officers are always at your house. There is never a time when they stop coming. At least with adoption there is a point where it ceases. I commend you for whatever choice you make. Adopting a child or being a foster parent both have many rewards and you are to be commended for wanting to do it, but realization is with foster parenting you are going to have the children that no one else wants. Just look into the foster parenting and licensing procedures a little further before you take that step. It is a definate intrusion of privacy and any sense of home.
Please, there are people out there who will judge you for just about ANYTHING. For example, people tell me how to cut my hair, that I should work more, or work less, or that whatever I choose or do is somehow wrong. You will always find people who try to push their opinion on you. But just realize that they think they are "helping" you by convincing you of how "right" they are. They don’t understand that they are being obnoxious.
Soooo…..no matter what you do, there are those who will disapprove. Just let it go.
Yes, you are going to HELL!! No I’m kidding, you just dont want a child, it’s OK. Children are a BIG BIG BIG thankless, tedious, annoying job and it is not for every one! Seriously, it will be OK. I used to want to go into the Peace Corps, but after looking into it I realized that it was not my thing. You are still a good person.
I don’t think so. It is better to have kids where they are really loved and wanted. If fostering kids is what you feel you would be best at lots of kids in foster homes need love too. My boyfriend was adopted after he was a foster kid. His mother loved him very much. Also if you don’t really want social workers involved the foster care system may not be for you. Good Luck in whatever you decide to do. I don’t think that people should judge your life choice so harshly.
I don’t think people will judge your for deciding it’s not for you it’s not any of their business anyway so if you feel uncomfortable don’t share the information. I am confused though that you want to be a foster parent but not an adoptive parent due to social workers. You will come into far more contact with social workers being a foster parent than an adoptive one. I’m not discouraging you from being a foster parent but had to point that out because maybe you didn’t know that?
Anyway I think it’s great that you want to be a foster parent, I hope you become one of the wonderful people who actually offer a loving home to the foster children who come into it.
Why are you worried about what other people think? I don’t know about your country, but in mine it is virtually impossible to adopt anyway and very few want to do it (same reasons as you have given). Have you tried IVF? In Australia you get – I think it is 8 free attempts. In NZ you get 1 free go. Then you pay a fortune after that. I know so many women for whom this has worked. If that isn’t the way you want to go – it’s not anyone else’s business except yours. And there is nothing wrong with not wanting to adopt. I can totally understand that. People criticize if you have too many children, too few children, children when you’re young, children when you are older in life – - – If they want to judge you, they’ll do it no matter what you do. That sort of person isn’t worth worrying about.
Not at all and if you are judged, then it is the people judging who have the problem. Adoption can be a great thing but it can also be a very difficult process. My husband was adopted and now has a great relationship with both his birth and adoptive families. It was all done through the church and not for sums of money (I’m in Australia). However, looking over all of the paperwork from when he was adopted back in th 70′s, there were so many check and follow ups done on his adoptive parents. Although I encourage this in a way so they baby is not given to a bad family, how is it fair when drug addicted losers who can just fall pregnant don’t have anybody give them a test to see if they can keep the baby?
I think if you are happy with your decision and can be a foster parent if you chose, then that is great to because not only will you have a child to love and care for, you will really know you are doing a good thing by helping a child in need and I applaud you for that.
Don’t let other people get you down. So many people are so quick to judge others for something that is in fact, none of their business.
All the best.
You have answered you own questions. You apparently do not want the responsibility of raising a child full time. So don’t have one Ms. Lucifer. (jk)
No your not the anti christ. At least you thought it out. Some people don’t think anything through and regret it later. You never know God still may have other plans for you and your husband. And if it is to not have any children so be it. And your still a wonderful person with a supportive husband. You are in my prayers. Have a wonderful day!!! SB
I dont think you will be judged negatively for not wanting to adopt. If being childless is what you are ok with then i see no need for you to have a child. And on the topic of adopting over having your own, I believe that adopting is a good thing because it helps make the life of the child better but you also have the right to want to have your own, your own flesh and blood. I dont think that any of these decision could have you judged negativly. It is your choice of whether or not you want to have a child.
If you’re a foster parent, then no.
If you aren’t a foster parent, then yes. Some child needs a home and if you’re selfish enough to not want one because it’s not your way of getting one then yes, people will judge.
Adopting isn’t for everyone; do not let others determine what is best for you. If someone judges you negatively, that is really their problem, I believe!
(If you foster, you will have social workers in your life all the time, by the way–if you adopt they leave once the adoption is final!!)
As someone who is waiting to be an adoptive parent, I feel that if your heart isn’t in it, you shouldn’t adopt. Why would people denigrate you for that? If you feel you couldn’t love a child who isn’t biologically related to you, that child would be better off not being placed in your home.
Okay, you don’t want to adopt b/c you don’t want to deal w/ social workers. Yet being a foster parent you’d have to deal w/ social workers and other professionals for a lot longer and more often then if you had adopted in the first place. Sounds like you are confused and uninformed. It’s probably best you remain childless until you work through whatever emotions you have right now and educate yourself.
According to Websters Dictionary: Anti-Christ
1: one who denies or opposes Christ; specifically : a great antagonist expected to fill the world with wickedness but to be conquered forever by Christ at his second coming
2: a false Christ
You sound young. The rest of your life is a long time and you may change your mind. That said, if you are going to become a foster mom you are going to have social workers in your life, girl! And it will be a most unnatural experience for you and your husband, as these children will be damaged with a capital D. I know. I’m a bio, foster and adoptive mom. It’s a calling and if you don’t hear the call, don’t answer!
And why do you give a rat’s behind what anyone else thinks?